Happy Mother’s Day, you manipulative prick

I still hurt
All the things I’ve repressed I want to call you a stupid cunt
Happy Mother’s Day you selfish creature from hell
I know your only use it against me
My sibling will never remember me
Some will never know me
And I am the one to blame?
Fuck off your dumb cunt

I shouldn’t write when I’m drunk
But I’m two tired to care and my face is too wet with tears
You will never know me
You will never know my children
I know what you do to kids


But to the mothers who take care of friends
And the mothers who are everyone’s mother
This day of appreciate us for you and your caring hearts
Not for the women who shit out a child. Any female can do that
Not everyone can be a mother

I shouldn’t write when I’m drunk
But fuck that Shit

Boxes

 I started to notice when you use my name
It was a strained tone
         High and off
        Like the very word
           Tasted weird in your mouth
        It wasn't quite right.
      That's okay cause you
          Stay at work
That is the box i placed you in and that is were you will stay
I was told extreme compartmentalization is a coping skill
      If I allowed you outside of your box
You would see
And that is the last thing I want
You don't need this
I don't need you
I have enough people
But I do notice
When you use my name
And it kills me
Cause I hate the emotion that follow

Sunshine

He would call me his sunshine
The pat of feet across my floor 
He would tug at my covers
He would climb the mountain that was my bed
He would pet my head and whisper in early morning hours
Wake up sunshine
Wake up
A muffle reply would greet him
Drowsy from late nights
My eyes would crack open to show I was awake
He would leave

The door would creak open
Screeching on hinges long over due for oil
He would stomp across the floor of my room
He would pet my head
Wake up sunshine
Wake up
A muffle reply would greet him
Half asleep still as the sun broken thought
My eyes would crack open to show I was awake
He would leave

The door would be thrown open
He would sprint across the floor
Leaping up that mountain
No more petting
No more whispers
WAKE UP SUNSHINE!
WAKEUP !
WAKEUP!
He screamed as he jumped on me.
He would not leave until I was upright
It was his mission given to him by the Warden of the house
and he would not fail.
Cause he loved his sunshine girl.

Her moon

So many parts of me are stories from you
you use to look at the night sky and sigh
my moon you would say
my moon you would squeal
that small glance
it brought so much delight
now i say it
only a sad smile
I know you can see it too
like a cheesy cliche line form a movie
but it's your moon
not matter how far away you are
I hope your moon is still bright
cause once upon on a time
your happiness would reflect and make the moon shine

loyalty

How funny it is
did you see how fast we closed ranks
how our lips tighten like the noose
no tea would be spilled
not from us
it's cold outside
but that was your choice
to walk out the door
I hope you freeze

You bang on the windows asking about us
oh how are my child i see you mouth
but your questions are ripped from your throat
 by a savage wind
never landing on our ears
our ranks are closed
and you walked outside.

full of blanks (F.t. with unanswered questions)

my head is so full 

but too blank to convey any of the thoughts held there 

they are speeding by unable to catch

i'm better then this 

i want to scream at the mirror 

falling back into such sweetly unhealthy habits 

the ones that fuck me into comfort and complacency

obsessively get on a scale, check 

stop eating, check 

pass out in the middle of a work out... there is a better way to do this?

am I really better than this?

what does that look like? 

not that, not me, 

will i ever be anything more then a copy of my mother 

i am fucking terrified 

i'm tired

The Verge

There are days were I can’t move

It hits me, my mind tumbles and for hours trying to figure out whats wrong

Then there's the feeling that you are on the verge of something like tipping over the cliff

the verge of crying? of falling? collapsing into a sleep you hope to the god you won’t wake

up from

If only it were that easy. Just not wake up. No have to face this.

who are we kidding I can't sleep

The sadness has stolen so much of my energy.

It’s a drain your life. The tension in my body builds like water behind a dam

Even my sleep is restless. I don’t have it together. I’m so easy to break

One of those nights

it's like this sometimes in the dark
when the direction of thoughts turn over and over
the mind boils and bubbles up with old torments
was it me?
did i cause this
what happened
why
no one answers
no one except me
sleep is a dream on these night
were the question plague and swarm
tired is more of a lifestyle then a temporary state
it's okay i deserve it
i can take it
it'snot a big deal
i was wrong wasn't i
isn't that why you left.
fuck all of this
why
it's just one of those fucking nights
the one were the headaches gather and throb
were no amount of breathing will fill your lungs
it's fine it's okay i'm okay?

Love and Loyalty

 I watched everything 

You preached  love and loyalty 

Your actions followed through 

Only just 

As long as there was praise 

That I didn't see 

I didn't see that need 

And when the cards began to fold 

And you ran away 

You shattered my perception

Betrayal sucked the air from my lungs  

But I finally saw everything

Love is not a feeling 

It's an action 

You were simply done acting 

Loyalty isn't suppose  to fade with the wind

Were you even loyal

I still love you but this still hurts 

You were suppose to be my example of love and loyaly

I expected too much of a human 

Armies Of the Ruin

I hope you can read between my words

 as clearly as I can read your lies 

I hope you see the battle line 

Go head

Across them 

It'll be fun 

Your twisted tongue infecting the young. 

Poison on your lips 

There’s one thing you missed 

You raised me

I know you

So I hope you read between the lines

It wouldn’t be any fun if you couldn't

Go head 

step across my battle line

You didn't know the ruin raise armies 

Thoughts Scattered in Hurricanes

                        I scour the 

world to find a word 

One word 

         that could describe

 how much I  despise 

the very essence      of your existence 

Your not even worth       the effort but

maybe it will  quell the  hurricanes in my head 

Say something, please

You are a whisper 

In and age were people shouts 

Your lack of noise terrifies me 

cause I don't know if your okay

Please be okay

Come back

I hate the way my tears drip off my cheeks 

I hate the way you can’t let me in 

This is how our year begins 

Again 

Late night with toyed emotions 

Fuck her 

and fuck emotions 

I don’t want them any more 

But my vision is blurry 

My chest is caved in 

And you still can’t let me in 

I would drop everything an run to you just say the word 

Please say the words 

Please let me in